Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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