I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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