I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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