I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.