Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
