He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
