So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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