there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
