I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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