I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
