Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
