Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
