Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
