her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
