Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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