Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
