Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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