I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
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Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
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Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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