I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
