Non-Jews are for practice
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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