dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
