I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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