someone threw a dead crab at me
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize