i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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