Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
