i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
And then my night got REAL pukey
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
