I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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