You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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