it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
