Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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