Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
