I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
