i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
