New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
