Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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