Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
