its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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