i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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