She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
