and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
