The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
