Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
