I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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