Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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