...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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