fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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