his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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