people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
