This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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