It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
