I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
