If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
