Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
