my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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