Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
