Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
