Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
