I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
